If there were one word to describe me lately it would be: distracted.
Distracted from life, from work, from God, from conversations, from my very thoughts. I can’t start a task, prayer, talk or dream without starting one or one hundred others in between.
And it sucks. I am in this constant state of uneasiness associated with unfinished business (is this what ghosts feel like?). I too often forget to go back to the task I’d started 15 tasks ago and I’m thinking sooner or later, this is going to result in something bad. Tangibly bad.
I drove to Destin with Heathy Stuy on Saturday and we didn’t finish a single conversation. Ok, maybe one. We started hundreds and at one point broke out in laughter at the realization of the capacity our ADDness had even in the car with nothing but her, I and the eventfulness of Interstate 10.
I am in the process of reading countless books right now. How many will I finish? Twilight and Love in the Time of Cholera were two of those books and I ended up copping out and watching the movies instead (even though I started the books way before the movies were produced). Rick Smith sent me an advance copy of his newest book The Leap(which I feel extremely special about, btw) and I started it today. I’ll have to finish that one because I am sure he is waiting on my highly esteemed opinion. I’m also reading Reedeming Love which Kate gave me over a year ago, Rediscovering Catholicsm (from Pam) and a few more. A bunch started, an embarrassingly few finished.
Internet Explorer tabs (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, push CTRL T on your PC) are part of this demise. Even while writing this, I’ve switched over to my GMAIL tab even though my inbox indicates there is nothing new. I switch, switch, switch, hopping from tab to tab, never fully dedicating my brain to any one site.
And then…. there is the biggest, most life sucking culprit of all, the blackberry. I feel like my BB would be capable of interrupting childbirth for me. Seriously. Regardless of what I am doing, that little blinking red light has the power to stop it. I click my screen to see if there’s anything going on even when the light isn’t blinking. I’ve got two email accounts, facebook, twitter, Google Reader, text messaging, BBM, AIM, Google Chat all accessible from my phone with just a few touch screens. The list goes on, unfortunately.
Even as I write this blog, I can hardly go an entire sentence without interrupting it with another sentence (hence the parenthesis).
The sad thing is, this distraction takes so much away from the experience of life. You can’t disagree with me that even when you’re doing something awesome you have a slight (or not so slight) sense of urgency to finish it so that you can twitter, blog, text or facebook status about it. Right?
I miss the days when my only distractions were self-produced. You know, like the days of elementary school…Day dreaming, wondering, wandering, etc. Now we’re too distracted to day dream because oop- just got a text. Hold that thought…. but you never get back to it.
I wish I could put my whole head and my whole heart into most of my day. I run on about 20% concentration and committment to mostly everything and I hate it. I like to think I’m a passionate person but how can I claim that when the depth of most of my thoughts are as deep as a kiddie pool?
I hope that as all this new, insane, immediate gratification driving technology starts to lose its appeal, we’ll get back to the days when we involved most of our being in the experiences before us (ok- even as I write this sentence I just checked my BB, loser).
I wish that last set of parenthesis was a joke.
Sometimes, when my ADD is really taking it’s toll, I try and dwell on this for a second or two:
Lord, let me focus on my task.
Place all my mind on my work.
Let my labors be in service of You.
For Your eternal glory and honor.